Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Thirty something and bad rumors

This is a self scrap page. I had just turned thirty and I was feeling really down. I am now thirty one and can not wait to be thirty two... Then all ageing can cease as far as I am concerned. Why is thirty two ok you ask. Well when I reach this age Miah will me with me. I refuse absolutely refuse to even consider the notion that it will take any longer than that to have my daughter home and in my arms! Now I have got to tell you that even that is pushing it a bit far, I really want her home before Christmas but with all the doom and gloom reporting going on and the ever slowing of referrals I will be lenient and concede to March for our first mother daughter moments but that is it not one day more! Ok I know I can not control the outcome of this and I know that no amount of stamping my feet and screaming into my pillow will get me my way. However a really good temper tantrum feels good and I need it so I am wailing away.
Well my rotten mood is a combination of bad horrible no good rumors and a very bitter sweet mothers day. Do not get me wrong being a mom to James is wonderful and I am so proud and honored to have that role in my life, but I also had a few sad moments on mothers day too. We fully expected to be bringing Miah home this month and as any one connected with China adoptions know that dream was taken away a piece at a time month by month. Then our music directors whom we all love and adore announced on mothers day they are expecting to the congregation. Please understand I am thrilled for them and have been waiting for this for some time. I wish them love and happiness and all the good tidings you can imagine, but... BUT I know that it is more than likely they will be bringing this little bundle of joy home before I even see Miahs face for the first time and that just stung a little. I am not in any way trying to take anything away from there joy I would never do that, I love them and are so happy that this is happening for them, but for me watching on the sidelines while she is lavished with "only pregnant mother special attention" and I sit not knowing when I will even see my child is a little hard and I am a little sad and let me just say feeling "sorry for myself". I know that it will take a couple weeks to get over this and I will get over it. I am not the envious type and I would never wish anyone to go through what I have to become a parent but when I see this over and over again and with the bad rumors of much more waiting in my future I am just over whelmed with yucky feelings. Tomorrow is a new day I will try to be a better person again tomorrow.

1 comment:

Kelley said...

You are a WONDERFUL person and don't you ever forget it! It is perfectly acceptable and normal to feel the way you do...we have all been there. Big hugs, my friend! I will continue to remain optimistic that the wait times will change for the better! It has happened before...