It is a funny thing hind sight, the old saying is true it is 20/20 all the way. I was looking at my original blog to see what I was doing on the day Miah was born and even though there was not a post on that exact day I remember now a little better and am amazed at what I found. First my little neighbor Hayli turned five that day and she came over to play with my son. We also got the call that Randy's Grandmother had passed away in the night.... by all accounts with the information I have on Miahs finding, about the same time she came into the world his Grandmother left it. It was as spring usually is a whirlwind of activity and I was on the prowl for ladybugs. It was also the month that at the beginning of this adoption process I expected to see her little face, six months after our LID. Well that was my plan, but God had a totally different plan and in that time that I felt so hurt that it was taking for ever to get to her, she was just not ready yet. Oh the irony, how many time did I read and hear that advice in all the time I waited?? Now I see how very true it was. I had to wait and truth be told I would wait again. I still wait to hold her in my arms and as hard as it was to wait and see her face I must admit this side of the fence is even harder, but as I wrote this poem just seven days after my daughter was born I still would not change a thing. Here are the words that came form my heart when I did not know that a small baby girl lay in an orphanage just days old wait too, waiting for me.
Month by month I wait.
Week by week I wait.
Day by day I wait.
Hour by hour I wait.
Moment by moment I wait.
If there were end in sight I might take comfort, but the finish line is ever changing. There is not clarification, no knowing here and now only waiting.
Were I to have the choice to go back and decide to take a different path it would not matter for this is where my heart is and I would gladly choose this path again and some day I will look back on this time and know when the end will have been but now I wait.
It will be worth it, She will be worth it , that perfect child that was meant for only us. These words help but do not stop the ache of wait, just a little longer wait.
In the end I will forget the Laboring pains of love to bring her home to be the best mother I can, all the smiles, laughter and lifetime of firsts will take this ever pressing feeling of wait from me and life will go on. But now I wait.
My heart is heavy and my arms are empty, but it is not a permanent thing. To this I cling. I wait, but for what.... My daughter, joy, love, hope, happiness, and a family I have waited a lifetime for. So I will wait and even if it is not easy I will remember that I choose this wait for a purpose and a reason. It is out of love that I put myself through one of the hardest things I have ever endured and I wait to hold her but not to love her as I love her already. I wait.
Written by Me for Miah